I dont know why

Well I’m writing as I do when feeling so low. I document in hope it may help others, not for a sympathy vote, as some clearly think. I have had a few bad days this week, yesterday was awful. What brings us to this dark place, what is the trigger? Is it tiredness, loneliness, paranoia, a biological imbalance, I dont know, I just know when I am in it.


So what can we do about it? We talk, I’ve said it time and time again, we have to talk, we need to lean on each other. Sadly this is an illness that comes and goes with no regularity, so each time we mention it there will be the ‘eye rollers’, the ‘oh here he goes again’ brigade. Some will be friends and shamefully, some will be family.

Its almost like we need a ‘chat buddy’, someone who you turn to when you need to chat. Someone who is prepared to listen, a true confidant.

I remember watching a tv series a while back, the guy was a recovering drug addict and would attend regular meetings. Outside of these gatherings he was assigned a ‘sponsor’, someone who would check on him and a person he could turn to when things got tough.

It’s sad, but in reality, we dont have such a person, so we talk to whomever is willing to listen. At first ears are there for you, but you see, this illness is not a one off. One by one the ears will turn off the more you hit the dark moments. It will be ‘oh not him again’, ‘change the tune mate’, ‘ffs again!’ …. so what do we do? I dont know, I hate that I’m pushing people away.

Each time I speak of my dark days on social media, I worry what people are saying about me, but this is my only outlet. I lost followers yesterday on my Instagram, the numbers don’t bother me, it’s the fact I have bored people.

The strangest and saddest thing is, the first to turn off their ears are often those closest to you, am I right?

Lets take yesterday for instance, I know my out pour of hardship was seen by many but not one person who knows me personally, family or friend reached out, other than my good lady of course.

I dont blame anyone, they have their own lives to live, but this is my point you see. I’m not in a hospital bed, or sat here in bandages, my problems and dark times are repetitive. The more it repeats, the less people are bothered, it becomes a ‘here he goes again moment. So what do I do, someone tell me please.

Even now I can see someone saying, just shut up about it.


I had someone send me the above picture, quite sobering really. I wish I had all the answers, I really do. Because I know this dark loneliness, I want to help so many others. I want to understand more, I want to know why people dont talk, I want to understand the signs more clearly but most of all, I want it to stop.

As usual, thank you for taking the time to read this. Please feel free to comment 💙

2 thoughts on “I dont know why

  1. Hi John,
    I’m thinking about your question “is it tiredness, loneliness, paranoia, a biological imbalance” and that’s a question so many people can’t answer. I think in turn, that also stops people reaching out sometimes…. because they don’t know how to fix “it”. If you cut yourself, a plaster. Headache, a paracetamol etc etc. This is different and personal. I hope everyone who know you will be there when you need help.
    Personally, as I’m no longer on Insta I didn’t see the warning signs. Please call anytime you feel low, anytime. You said “so what do I do” I can’t answer that, other than to say you are not alone. We’re here.


  2. Evening John,
    As you will know it is not a permanent thing when these feelings occur, look to the positive side.

    As for close friends or family, I can relate with this on so many levels. I’ve found the support from strangers on the likes of Instagram to be so helpful.

    Well done for opening up and talking about the subject, one thing that confuses me slightly why others won’t talk about it, even to the point when it’s too late.


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